Burgeoning Black Belt

Ralph Macchio, step aside.

Daniel-san: How come you didn’t tell me?

Mr. Miyagi: Tell you what?

Daniel-san: That you knew karate?

Mr. Miyagi: You never ask?

"sweep the leg..."

A friend of mine once observed that there must be a huge market for karate schools because every time a strip mall goes up, the first thing to show up is a martial arts storefront. He is very wise, my friend.

But we have found a new way to save money. The industrious Cormac-san has proved to be a prodigy when it comes to napping and preparing for competition – all without any troublesome karate school.

The Crane - None Can Defeat It

Also, he has been doing triple time as a dog walker, to earn money so he can hire an eager high school student to “wax on, wax off” for him. According to eighties film, that is another good way to learn karate. If you want to go the less awesome Jackie Chan/Jaden Smith  route, I guess it’s all about hanging up your jacket over and over again. Sadly, hanging up jackets is a skill that neither William nor Cormac has shown any aptitude for, whatsoever.

You can’t be good at everything. I’m so sure – do you think Will and Jada’s kids can nap like this?

Use karate only for self-sleep-defense.

But perhaps we disturb this young pupil. As Mr. Miyagi said, we should “leave boy alone to train.”

Indeed. Let him pursue the mastery of sleep.

Tags: film, Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi, naps, puppies, Ralph Macchio, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #68 – sNappy Dresser

First and foremost, a disclaimer that no diapered children were harmed during the making of this post…so keep your pants on.

Sue tells me that her son Logan is just a climbing fool, and one day she came into his room around nap time to find him like this:

Thinking ahead?

I mean, most of us have to battle our kids to keep them on the changing table. Logan is clearly far more enlightened than the average toddler.  He knows that he’s going to need dry pants sometime soon. Why not start the process before the nap?

Of course, Sue removed him from the changing table for his own safety, but she tells me the next day he was back up there again. She even resorted to covering the changing table with stuffed animals to deter him…but Logan is a man who knows his own mind and likes a dry pant, apparently.

sNappy dresser...

Something tells me Sue is going to have to “table” those plans for her kid to always nap in his crib. (ba dum DUM!)

Tags: changing table, diapering, dresser, nap, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #67 – Flying Friendly-like

With my good friend Allison at Motherhood WTF preparing to take an epic flight to New Zealand, I found this picture of wee future traveler Adora to be particularly apt.

Adora’s mom, Ruth, tells me this girl was sitting in her Bumbo waiting for a meal, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t had this experience on an overstuffed jet crossing the Atlantic many a time.

Only I never recline my seat all the way, people.

Quick nap before meal service

I think Ruth is going to have to explain to Adora that only huge men with stinky feet recline their seats all the way when meal service is ramping up. How the heck is a person to eat her custard with some guy’s greasy head pushing it into her lap?

In the meantime, I guess we should still take a moment to appreciate Adora’s flexibility. She will no doubt make a superb globetrotter. Once she gets out of this infernal Bumbo.

Keep the skies friendly for Allison, friends. Recline halfway. Over and out.

Tags: feet, flight, fly, meal, meal service, men, New Zealand, recline, stinky

Guest Napper #66 – Upholstered Exhaustion

These pictures Jen sent me of her daughter Cecelia remind me of how I feel at 10pm on some weekdays.

In short, I’m just done.

I'm just done, people.

I can neither confirm nor deny that Cecelia has been teaching class, but she sure looks like she knows my pain. Perhaps she had a bad day getting those unruly teddy bears to attend to their alphabet.

It's just so demoralizing.

Did she fall asleep beating her fists on the chair? Railing against the human condition, wherein one must labor uphill every day and never make progress?

Dunno, but she’s out cold now.

Sweet dreams, girlfriend. May you find respite from the rat race.

Tags: chair, class, human condition, sisyphus, upholstered

Slumbering Sweetheart

Grilled cheese is good for your heart.

Happy Valentine's Day

Here’s hoping your box of valentines is full,

that you have many sweet bedtime kisses,

and that all your conversation hearts are imprinted with ZZZZZZZZZZZZs.

Much Love,

Team Naps

Tags: conversation heart, grilled cheese, Valentine

Guest Napper #65 – Ow ow ow ow!

Folks, I’m about to make you feel really old. At very least, I’m about to drive a huge spike in memberships at yoga studios for the week.

Ow ow ow ow ow!

Nilam sent me this picture of her daughter Karina.

Now you go do it.

Tags: nap, ow, toddler sleep, yoga

Guest Napper #64 – Mortified Mope?

 

Falling asleep in your bouncer isn’t a new idea. We’ve seen it before around here. Something different is going on, though, in this picture that Crystal sent me.

It’s like Jack is saying, “Mom. Please. I am TOO OLD FOR THIS STUFF.”

This is just too humiliating.

Monkeys? Rainbows? I mean…what a snooze.

Cheer up, Jack. It’s Friday.

 

Tags: activity, bouncer, monkey, rainbow, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #63 – Touchdown! I mean…Facedown!

My husband is a huge Patriots fan and is clearly outnumbered in his office. Seeing as how he’s in enemy territory, this is how I envision him this week at work.

Under his desk.

It's safe here.

I don’t know if little Alex has any particular team sympathies, but I do note that he is prepared to stay down there next to his chair for as long as it takes. He’s brought water.

I’m not sure what that is under his cheek, but it seems like he brought his own washcloth, too. I mean, clean skin is a priority, people. I read in a magazine, years ago, that you are NEVER too tired to wash your face before bed.

Especially if your cheek will be making contact with someone else’s seat.

 

 

Tags: chair, office, Patriots, seat, Super Bowl, toddler sleep, water

Guest Napper #62 – Pillow Top Pooch

Most parents are distressed when napping goes to the dogs at their houses. Maria (mother of both of these two snoozers), however, doesn’t have a problem with it.

Too much closeness?

We’ve all heard about “a boy and his dog.” But what about us girls? As you can see, Duke is pretty patient with his girl Isabel…and it looks like his patience may need to last for awhile.

Whimper.

Tags: dog

Guest Napper #61: Mealtime Multi-tasking

You know how you get so hungry sometimes that you find yourself just shoveling your lunch in? And then you are simultaneously chugging your drink and taking a nap to rev yourself back up for the afternoon meeting?

Wait…no, me neither.

I'm just...so...thirsty...

Alicia, on the other hand, has got this multi-tasking thing down. She also appears to have gotten a large quantity of pasta or, uh, sweet potatoes? down as well. Right before downing her bottle and taking a train down to Dreamland.

Shh! I'm slurping. I mean sleeping.

Slurping…excuse me, sleeping is an important skill. Her mom, Jennifer, must be so proud.

Burp.

Tags: bottle, high chair, meal, toddler sleep

Sleep ‘n Safari

We’ve got a really wild nap here. Monkeys and tigers and bare feet – oh my! We even have some fish (in the bowl) although someone needs to tell Cormac that it’s okay to eat them with his fingers.

Perhaps the effort of chasing those goldfish around their bowl with a spoon exhausted him to the point that he just quit trying and decided to snooze, instead.

The Jungle Nook

As usual, he felt the need to put himself right at the edge of his couch. Perhaps in case the tiger turns out to be a wild animal, after all, and bites the hand that feeds him goldfish?

Comfy, as usual.

For now, however, there seems to be no danger. Tiger is enjoying his catnap, as well…

It’s the black domestic short hair we might want to worry about.

Is that a panther?

Meow.

Tags: couch, goldfish, monkey, spoon, Tiger

Guest Napper #60: Doggie Diving

I won’t have to tell you that there is some serious awesomeness here.

Brittany’s comment, upon submitting this picture of Esme, was that Esme was petting the dog and fell asleep. Well…that’s for sure. But what of the super-fab outfit she’s wearing? And how soft and comfy can that hearth be for her precious little tootsies?

Nestea Plunge?

Also, unless I am mistaken, that dog has a look of serious world weariness. It’s like “Dude. Is my bed not even sacred?”

Bravo, Esme! Nap boldly and nap well. Not sure there’s much hope for the dog, though.

Also, please visit this page to learn about polycystic kidney disease and what you can do to help!

Tags: dog, frilly, hearth

Guest Nappers #58 and 59: Simon Says “Sleep!”

Any parent with two children places great value on the much-sought-after tandem nap. Look – if you have two kids, you just want them asleep at the same time. Personally, I’ve been grateful for my kids to sleep simultaneously in any position, in any place in the house (or sometimes not even in my house). I don’t give a rat’s patootie if they’re matching or anything.

Amanda has trumped me.

Simon says...

Although years apart in age, Amanda reports that her boys mirrored each other’s positions throughout this entire nap. Sadly, there is no video to prove her assertion. However, seeing as how she’s all writerly and that she publishes cool articles on Circle of Moms and stuff…I’m going to trust her on this one.

I’m going to get my kids to crash in coordinated outfits just to top her next time.

Simon says…sleep for a very long time today, kids.

Amazzzzing Abs

I know – it looks fake, right? Even as I’m turning my head this way and that, I feel my upper abs getting tired.

Imagine the six pack.

If this is preferable to napping in his bed, perhaps it is time for something cushier upstairs? This looks less like a nap to me than it does like some late stage of a boot camp workout. Tis the season!

See...foot isn't even touching.

I’m moving this kid past toddler soccer and martial arts and straight on to Cirque Du Soleil, people. When he wakes up, that is.

This nap is making my hair curl.

Once I sell him to the circus, I can retrieve my magazine.

Tags: abs, bed, circus, Cirque Du Soleil, martial arts, soccer

Guest Napper #57: Above Insomnia

I woke up at 2:30am on Sunday and couldn’t go back to sleep.

Of course I tried all the usual stuff like counting backwards from 100 (while making bleating noises), breathing deeply, and even clearing my mind. Except the clearing of the mind part never works because I start to think about the list of things I need to do and wonder stuff like where I’m sending my kids to day camp this summer. What – everyone does this, right?

Well, perhaps Beth, here, has the right idea. Her mom Lana sent me this picture of her daughter, who does not look like she’s making a nighttime grocery list at all.

Good for circulation.

This really puts me in mind of a nap Cormac had many moons ago. Except, like a typical man, he left his shoes all over the place and looks like he fell asleep while watching sports. What are the chances he’ll pick that stuff up when he wakes?

I’m going to try Beth’s pose tonight at 2:30am, when I wake up and start thinking about the deadlines for preschool paperwork, and how I forgot to xerox that worksheet on sentence fragments for my class on Tuesday.

Don’t lie – you’re jealous of my deep thoughts.

 

Tags: counting sheep, day camp, elevate, insomnia, lists, sleep

Timid Tiptoes

First of all, this is the entryway of to my house.

Hiding from the new year?

Secondly, I’m still not sure how William gets into these hidey holes without an accomplice.

Hm. Comfy?

That is, by the way, one of those prickly wipe-your-feet-clean doormats next to his face.

A return to bomb shelters?

One thing that I can tell you is that he’s in this sunny spot for the long haul. Luckily, he brought one of his favorite bedtime stories.

Goodnight Tiptoe

Ironically, the character in this story is NOT sleepy. Some role model he turned out to be.

Sleep tight, little man.

I hope our burrowing boy isn’t awakened by a falling book. Goodnight, tiptoes!

Tags: book, entryway, pillows, sunny, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #56 – Resolved to Rest

Here’s a good New Year’s Resolution:

Get a smaller dog.

Feeling weighed down by January?

Thanks to Gabrielle’s tot for showing us all that we’re not alone in feeling like we just can’t get up for work tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

Tags: back to work, dog, New Year, resolution, toddler sleep

Intermission

The days between the excess and exhaustion of the holidays and the dawn of the New Year are strange ones. Most people are pretty much done with the merriment, but it takes that week to really get your head wrapped around the idea of the New Year.

Cormac suggests simply conking out in a sunny spot. Heck…put your feet up while you’re at it.

Sunlit Snooze

Don’t lie. You’re feeling jealous right now.

As the book resting under Cormac’s head proclaims, “Oh, the places you’ll go!” in 2012. Once you are able to rouse yourself. And also if your feet aren’t dead asleep from being raised above your heart for two hours.

 

Tags: excess, holiday, inversion, sunlight, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #55: SHHHH! I’m Shopping!

I just got back from Wegmans. At 9 a.m., the entire produce section was like a piranha feeding frenzy.

The olive bar resembled a game of Duck, Duck, Goose, with patrons circling the kalamatas like anxious predators.

Tense shoppers parked their carts in gridlocked spots around the cheese island, looking like they need a Valium more than a wheel of brie.

There were no chives. I will have to come up with another plan for garnishing my butternut squash soup.

I hope that Trent’s mom, Lizette, made a previous trip to Food Lion earlier in the week, because it looks as if she’s shopped this kid out and still has nothing in her cart.

You should have come earlier.

Okay, well, in Lizette’s defense, this isn’t really a photo from today. But it was really perfect for my mood. Which is not good. They have POLICE directing traffic AT THE GROCERY STORE, PEOPLE. How is this festive?

Now I’m home making beef stock, though, while my sainted husband steam vacuums our furniture. That’s putting the spirit of the holidays right back in my heart.

Be of good cheer, friends!

Tags: beef stock, cheer, chives, feeding frenzy, holiday, olive bar, piranha, police, traffic, valium, Wegmans

Comfort Food

Speaking of grilled cheese…evidence is mounting that it has a strong soporific effect.

That sandwich was a knockout!

Contrary to his spicy attire, Cormac is feeling extremely laid-back after, apparently, eating all but the crusts of his sandwich and then arranging them in some kind of modern art installation on his Easter egg plate.

Now, my boys aren’t even twins, and they seem to have some kind of telepathy going on. Little did Cormac know, his brother had done something extremely similar in the basement.

We do steam the couch, often, just so you know.

I am not as impressed with William’s crust-arranging skills, but he is truly the superior performer on the Xbox.

I think Celestial Seasonings should make a bedtime grilled cheese tea. It seems to be effective. That would be gross, though, wouldn’t it?

Insomnia be damned!

Tags: couch, crusts, grilled cheese, hot sauce, modern art, naps, steam clean, toddler sleep

Guest Napper #54: Exhausted Escapee

Right about this time every year, it seems like all my friends are talking about how they just want to go hide in a closet somewhere. Calgon, take me away!

Danielle sent me this picture of Tristin. It looks like he bungled his own escape.

When you just gotta get out.

At least Tristin had the presence of mind to open the entire door, unlike William, who attempted an escape through the cat door some time ago.

Next thing you know, one of these kids will be trying to get out via the chimney. Someone warn Santa!

 

 

Tags: cat door, chimney, escape, exhaustion, holiday, Santa, toddler sleep

Snoozeworthy Sofa Arm

Who out there has a sofa that really could stand to be replaced, but which is so comfortable that you can’t bring yourself to do it? This little loveseat has been an absolute champion. I bought it for my tiny studio apartment when I lived in Chelsea in Manhattan. It was really hard to find a sofa this small to replace the ornate green one a recently-adopted cat had peed all over. I mean buckets, folks. I put that thing on the curb on West 20th St. and even the people who stopped to pinch it got a whiff and ran away. This couch, however, turned out to be worth every penny and, over a decade later it is still incredibly comfortable.

At least, Cormac sure things so.

 

Two cities, two children, and countless large backsides later, this baby is still providing faithful seating to the entire household and legions of dubious guests.

Hardworking armrest.

Cormac even thinks it’s better than his bed. However, come to think of it, he thinks the pool deck and the hardwood floor and the back deck are better than his bed, so it’s not such a compliment.

May you all spend the holidays in your happiest places.

Tags: Chelsea, comfy, Manhattan, pee, sofa

Guest Nappers #52 and 53: Table Topple

According to Pam, this photo of cousins Jackson and Cooper was taken the day after Thanksgiving at The Cheesecake Factory. My guess is that someone told these boys how long it would take them to eat their 5lb. grilled cheese sandwiches, and they collapsed proactively from exhaustion.

Can we at least split one?

Even the little one’s optimistic t-shirt can’t conquer his fear of those Cheesecake Factory portions. At least he’s still upright. Notice he has jammed that pacifier resolutely in his mouth, though. No monstrous grilled cheese is making it past that goalie.

Perhaps this could be a way for all of us to avoid holiday excess? Do they make adult-size pacifiers? I’m looking into this, pronto, because I’ve never been good at that “just have one piece of Godiva” thing.

Just control yourselves, people. And stay away from “salads” (insert cheese, cheese, bacon, and buttered croutons) that could feed an entire housing tract.

 

Tags: Bama, Cheesecake Factory, cousins, pacifier, table, tandem, Thanksgiving

Top Ten Ways You Know You’re a Gen X Parental Unit

We interrupt these regularly scheduled naps to bring you the lamentations that have been kicking around in my head this week, as I realize that I am officially no longer cool.

Top 10 Ways You Know You’re a Gen X Parental Unit

Def Leppard comes on the radio in your car, and you’re torn between closing the window in shame or rolling the window down and turning up the volume.

You accept Lego Star Wars and Lego Indiana Jones video games as a fair vehicle with which to introduce the best trilogies of all time to your kids, and you’re still in denial about the unmentionable movies that came after the trilogies.

Your kid owns an Atari t-shirt just like yours and a pair of checkered vans that you find amusing, but in which you would not be caught dead.

Your children wear helmets to ride on a flat surface, in a cul de sac, on a scooter, but you used to plunge down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, bareheaded, while riding on the handlebars of somebody else’s banana seat bike.

You boast on Facebook that your kid refused his children’s music and asked to listen to Weezer or They Might Be Giants.

Your kid is dancing in his underwear, so you tweet that Risky Business is being replayed at your house.

You love John Hughes because he saw high school for what it was and Joss Whedon because he saw it as it should have been.

Your go-to example of living on the edge is eating pop rocks while drinking Coke.

You can’t understand why your kid stares, blank-faced, when you joke about his Christmas request with, “You’ll shoot yer eye out!”

You pull out your favorite childhood books, only to discover that they are politically incorrect, except for Dr. Seuss which turns out to be full of thinly veiled social and political commentary. Then you’re stuck reading them to your kid every night.

Please. Atari was the best EVER.

Update: Come see what the very funny Jeff Kart had to say about this post on TLC’s Parentables!

Tags: Atari, banana seat bike, Def Leppard, Gen X, John Hughes, Joss Whedon, Lego Indiana Jones, Lego Star Wars, Parental Unit, pop rocks, Star Wars, They Might Be Giants, Vans, Weezer

Bedspins

Today, I want to bring you a very important holiday safety message.  Please, folks, stay awake while you are using the Sit ‘n Spin

Do not sit, snooze, 'n spin.

If you are going to do a layout off the Sit ‘n Spin, DO wear some really entertaining socks. Preferably some that will enable us all to make jokes about the Wicked Witch of the West.

Friend or Foe?

One unanswered question I have is this: is the tiger responsible for the accident? Did he cuddle his boy into a premature slumber, causing him to fall from his Sit ‘n Spin? People should remember that big cats are, after all, wild stuffed animals.

What's done is done. But next time...

If you’ll look closely, you’ll see that a small stuffed dachshund is the real victim, here. Cormac landed on him and is using him as a pillow. The tiger should be ashamed of himself.

Bedspins have never been so restful.

I want to issue a disclaimer that Cormac was NOT drinking out of that plastic cup when the accidental nap occurred. No, sir. We don’t drink apple juice while spinning in this house. Very strict rules.

Consider yourselves warned.

Tags: cup, holiday, juice, safety, Sit 'n Spin, socks, Wicked Witch of the West